Immaginare

I love you, Lita.

I was raised a Roman Catholic. I was raised to believe that God has a plan for all of us. As I grew up, it was hard for me to accept the fact that one being who isn’t me could control what happens in my life. But after a while, I understood what my parents meant.

At a certain age, I adopted the motto “Everything happens for a reason.” I always tried to see the silver lining in a bad situation in my life. But sometimes, I feel like there’s just too much sadness or bad situations in one persons’ life to find the silver lining in every situation. I still believe in my religion and I choose not to push it on other people. But unfortunately, there are days where I question it and I feel bad for doing so.

Today, our family got really bad news. Someone very close to me & who I love very much, my aunt Ethel, had a miscarriage. This would have been her second child. I honestly have no idea how to react. I love her so much and it breaks my heart to know that I can’t do anything to help her.

I still believe everything happens for a reason & I still believe that God never gives you more than you can handle in life…but I can’t find the silver lining in this just yet. 3

Oh, boy.

I need to know that I can do this. I’m terrified of failing but I don’t want that to hold me back from trying.

I need to do this.

I can do this.

My God.

I just wanna sleep. This is getting me worked up and aggravated and at this point we’re just going around in circles. You fucked up and you know it. Now be a man, admit it to yourself and stop doing this to me. I’ve made my peace with this and the fact that you haven’t only shows me that you know you were wrong.

I did what you asked by moving on. But these questions you keep asking me that keep me awake at night are starting to irritate me. Figure out what it is you want and when you’ve grown some, let me know.

But for right now, let me be happy with who I am and who I’ve got. I’m too strong to let you back in so easily so please stop trying, because I just wanna sleep.

I’d like to know

why people I went to school with, who are younger than me, mind you, are having kids left and right? I completely understand that having children is a blessing and I would never ever take that away from someone but seriously? At the rate these people are going, I’m gonna feel like a grandma when I do finally have kids of my own. 

Call me old fashioned, but I was raised to believe that babies were made out of love, not because you’re trying to keep your boyfriend in your life…yes, boyfriend, not husband or partner but boyfriend.

I might sound bitter or jealous but that is so not the case here. I guess I always thought that people would wait until they at least kind of had their life on the right track before deciding to bring a little one into this world. Is it weird or stupid to think that? Is it absolutely ridiculous to believe that there are people out there who wait until they are secure enough [money wise, self wise, etc.] before they have children? I know I would like to be at least financially stable when I take that step in my life. But I do realize that sometimes this is inevitable so am I wrong for thinking this? 

My apologies…ridiculous ramblings that I needed to get off my chest.

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SO my weekend off was awesome, if I do say so myself.

Saturday consisted of us going to Ontario (California) and Pomona. Had interesting conversations with strangers, go told I look 16, had my first ChaMango, melted in heat (105 degrees!), and managed to become one color again.

Sunday was spent with my little brother and our last sibling date for the summer. We went to Rally’s, where deep conversations took place, and then to the Regal to watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes. The movie was good and the company was great.

All in all, my weekend was fun. Scorching hot, but fun.

Random fact, I’m starting a new health regiment with my momma and it starts tomorrow. Here we go! 
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Happy birthday, Niko-boy!

4 years old and still going.
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ramblings.

I went on another date. Same guy. I have to say, I feel so carefree when I’m talking to him and it’s a different feeling than what I’m use to. I’m so use to censoring myself so that I won’t make people around me feel uncomfortable but with him, the conversation just kinda flows. He asked if I would go to his sisters’ concert with him in November. Is it odd to be making plans months in advance? If it is, I don’t really care. At this point, we’re still getting to know each other and it’s fun. He said he can’t wait for our next date and that he hopes we can see each other this week.

On that happy note, sweet dreams and good night.

So

I went out on a date on Tuesday.

I had a blast. He took me to El Toritos for taco Tuesday and it was awesome. He asked me if he could pick me up at my house (points with Momma for that one.) Once we got to the restaurant, the conversation never stopped…not once. It was a different experience than what I was use to. Once we were finished, he asked for the check and when I asked how much it was, he looked at me and said “You can’t seriously think I’m letting you pay for anything, right?” I, again, was kinda out of my element with that because I’m not use to that. After dinner, we got in his car where he told me that he had his car washed before he went to pick me up. Once we were on he freeway back to my house, he asked if he could hold my hand…too cute.

He said next time we go out, it’ll be just as fun, if not better.

Yeah…I went on a date and I had fun.
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